Becoming Embodied

Everyone on instagram has been doing this ‘post a photo from 7 years ago, 3 years ago, and this year’ thing and I don’t like posting those on insta or facebook because it feels tacky. I would usually post them on tumblr instead- somehow less tacky.

So I decided to post it here. Here are the photos, see below for a way to drawn out and tangential explanation and discussion of why I chose these.

In each of these photos I was trying to feel sexy. I actually did in the first one.

2010

I was born and raised a young woman in society. With that came all the self consciousness and shame of my body and my sexuality. I was one of the most (outwardly) sexual girls my age at the time. I had a tumblr, and used it to feel good about myself and share that I liked my body, or at least tell people I did. I have always hated my hips and this pose actually minimizes them which is why I make the same one in each year. I was a lesbian at the time, and felt bad ass as fuck and was so exited to have sex with other women. Never did in that edition of my body though.

I was comfortable with the parts I had and understood how my sexualized relationships would look, it was just a matter of my parents still not letting me date, and even if I could date, there was no one at my school or any internet dating cites for teenagers yet. I had several tumblr girlfriends.

2014

A freshman in college and in a newly constructed body still settling into its frames. I had been on testosterone for about a year and a half and was less than six months post op chest surgery. I was getting tired of my virginity so I lost it to some guy on Grindr. I was feeling less and less validated in my choice to transition if no one would accept my body in its new form. I wasn’t eating. I lost about 15 pounds in a semester, which as you could see from 2010 I did not have much excess weight to lose.

The week after I “lost my virginity” to a random dude from the internet, I hooked up with a girl who went to college with my brother at his college graduation party. That is the one sexual experience I have genuinely enjoyed in my life so far. She was open minded and had experience with people of all identities. She was kind and gentle, and also assertive and communicating. I only wish I had not been so drunk/high (the only way I have ever had sex) so I could have enjoyed it more.

2017

Where do I begin. I have not had sex in over a year now. I became very disconnected from my body between 2010 and now. I have also never been in a relationship. I mean maybe for a few months in 7th grade but that I don’t think really counts. I like a couple people right now, and I have decided I don’t want to do casual hookups anymore, this is me 13 months into that decision. It has been lonely and isolating. I actually was moved almost to tears when I fist bumped someone the other day because I couldn’t remember the last time I felt someone intentionally make psychical contact with me.

I have put on some weight, as my body matures into adulthood (I’m almost 22). I have always thought I had too much of a belly, in each of these photos. I have a slight ridge, or fat pocket that rests under my belly button that has driven me insane for almost a decade. Alcohol, pizza, and Mcdonalds have made it larger.

I saw a movie on Netflix last night which stirred emotions in me I had not felt since around 2010. The movie is called “Blush” and it is so purely done. Not the best movie ever, but the intimate scenes are genuine and relateable. It made me remember what I always wanted when I was first imagining being a sexual person. How I want to be touched and felt. I know how to feel other people, it is the fact that they are scared to touch me. It is very refreshing but also terrifying because I don’t know if they will get over that.

We need to talk about this. But people aren’t ready. Hell, I’m not ready either but I am god damn lonely and miss the touch of other humans.

Also two of my elementary school teachers follow me on instagram and I feel like they would have heart attacks if I posted these photos haha.

Photo: Sunrise. Cape Cod, MA. Summer 2013.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s