Because we all know when some ache or pain is bothering you at 3AM you will find your way onto your phone and google your various symptoms. Not 5 minutes later you know you are about an inch from death. 

I have a toothache which is radiating into my jaw, neck, and ear on my left side. It has been a problem spot for me for years of dental work but I thought after I had my wisdom teeth removed in December that would all be done with. Apparently not. 

More so I think what is wrong is my body has been slowly losing steam over the last 3 months and is finally starting to buckle under the pressure. I also have several cuts on my right hand which are taking their damn time to heal. 

I am reading a book called “When Food is Love” for a class I am taking about eating disorders and I really don’t like it. It is an awful book. 

I think it is awful because the author is baisically me. I don’t have an eating disorder, or an abusive parent, but I have so many other problems and a history of abusive friendships. So everytime she relives something I do too. 

I do have some form disordered eating, where I am terrified of all public food eating places. I don’t go to dining halls, I never go to restaurants. I can’t remember a time where I sat down to a meal with other people and enjoyed it while completely sober. I don’t think that has ever happened actually. Or maybe it did in one of my first friendships before it turned toxic. 

The stress of reading this book is living in my jaw and the paper cuts on my right hand. I’d really like to sleep now, but each time my heart beats I feel pain spread through my face down to my neck and into my ear. 

WebMD says I should seek medical attention if this lasts longer than 24 hours. 

I don’t trust medical professionals in NC because I am transgender.

I am scared, in pain, and have no where to go. 

So here I sit reading this damn book I should have finished last Thursday. Trying not to grind my teeth or think of the pain embedded in my face.

Forgive my typos I am doing this on my phone word press app which has no spell check apparently. 

Photo: Introduction. NC, Spring 2017.

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