Self Worth

This is a quick note on self worth as I have a thesis deadline to get back to.

I have struggled with self worth as long as I can remember. I always sacrifice my own feelings for others benefits. I simply do not think I am worth anyones time.

Today I finished a large section of my thesis that I have been working on for 2.5 weeks. I thought I would feel something. I thought I would finally give myself a little pat on the back. But quickly thoughts came flooding in that read ‘it’s about damn time, you’re a week and a half behind’ and ‘good luck on that next step dumb ass, you only have two days between now and your deadline to do the rest of the shit you should have been working on all week.’

This made me realize I have begun to place my self worth almost entirely in my thesis work. Not good.

Don’t do that, you will only be let down.

Because I have a deadline coming up, in two days I don’t have time to write another long drawn out post. I am just trying to figure out where I should place my self worth. Is it on my accomplishments? Does getting out of bed and going to class count as an accomplishment? I think for now, my self worth will rest in hopes that someday soon I will be a good dog parent. I will be able to pride myself on supporting my little family of me, a guinea pig named Lexi, and a dog I will hopefully get sometime next fall.

I am doing this thesis work because I want to learn, I want to make mistakes and be corrected so I can grow even more as a person.

Now I am making myself say to myself ‘good job kid, you did that, now take a breath and keep going there is more work to be done, you can do it’ and ‘do it for yourself and no one else’ and ‘be gentle with yourself love, there is only one you.’

Photo: Still Here. NC, Spring 2017.

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