Looking 13ack

I made it through the craziest party weekend of the year without drinking. I however also did not participate in any social activities. But see, I don’t find joy in throwing colored dust at people just to take pictures and post on facebook. I also don’t have fun jumping up and down in an overheated room that is playing shitty music way too loud.

I want to have a dinner party where we all have pizza and read an article or book chapter together and then just talk about it. Not a book club, just an evening. Or maybe a book club is exactly what I want. I don’t know.

So. Instead of partying, I worked on my thesis and watched all 13 episodes of Th1rteen R3asons Why on Netflix. I read that book in 2008 when my whole high school career was falling apart before it even started. I had forgotten what brought me to where I am today.

I had forgotten about the bullying. I left behind the face and name of the person who almost drove me to end my own life. I forgot the horrendous things she said and texted about me. But see, this made me shake my head and smile.

Looking back, the fact I made it to where I am today is a miracle. The fact I am even borderline okay is insane. It is kind of a relief because I am going easy on myself for the first time in years. I thought I only had to overcome the depression and gender dysphoria that has been in my life for the last 5 years, or the coming to grips with my sexuality for the last seven years. But even before that, and during the beginning stages, she was there. Seeping into the cracks in my armor, freezing and thawing inside them and expanding the crevasses.

We were friends. Then she started to suffocate me and I branched out. She reacted like a cornered animal. She physically, mentally and emotionally attacked and abused me.

No. Fuck what I said earlier. It wasn’t a miracle. I worked my ass off to be where I am today. To be somewhat okay again. Fuck her and everyone who turned their backs on me.

And I had just been wondering where all my trust issues came from. This is only one of the reasons, but it is a big piece of the puzzle I have been working on to better understand why I am the way I am. Why I choose to isolate myself and don’t let anyone in. Not really.

I made it to where I am today. And that is enough for me. I don’t need a perfect GPA or a big group of friends. I don’t need a partner. I have a few best friends, a loving family, and I know those connections are enough for me.

Photo: Abandoned. MA, Summer 2014.

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