At This Time

I was put on anti depressants again almost three weeks ago. I stopped drinking again almost six weeks ago. I am careful about watching my relationship with alcohol because my family has a history of alcoholism.

But I really want to drink. Drinking lets me pause my mind. Or just lets me feel everything all at once so I don’t have to deal with it all the fucking time. I can’t drink while I am on my meds because they can interact poorly and possibly kill me or best case reverse their purpose and actually make me even more depressed than I was before being on them.

I want to go off my meds just so I can drink.

This thought scares me. I also know I am on a very small dose and these kinds of meds take 6-8 weeks to go into full effect. All of these things combined makes me want to try drinking on them anyway, like this is America, people wouldn’t take these pills as much as they do if they couldn’t drink while taking them.

However I still want to drink for all the wrong reasons. I don’t want to just kick back and have a drink or two with some friends, I want to get a whole bottle of honey whiskey and drink until I can’t think anymore. I’d chase the whiskey with some hard pear or pineapple cider. Good lord that sounds so fucking good.

And that scares me. I am also traveling with my family this summer for a month and we are going to Scotland specifically for a scotch tour. Before that I am going to Copenhagen to celebrate my 22nd birthday with my brother, and it falls on a Friday night, there will be excessive drinking.

I want to drink. I however do not want to cause brain damage to myself or end up dead. That is not ideal. Life is hard right now, but it is long, so I plan to be in a better place at some point in the future, and right now I wouldn’t mind being very drunk for some of the harder parts.

Birthdays and I have a weird relationship, which I am sure I will tell you about at some point in the future not now however.

Anyway. This coming weekend is a huge party weekend for the campus I have decided I will give myself until I see the psychiatrist in 2 weeks to give the meds a chance to kick in. Maybe I wont want to drink anymore. If not I think I will go off of them until later this summer because fuck feeling like this sober.

Alcohol. Where do I begin. I was not one of those kids who started drinking beers at 14. The first drink I had I was a freshman in college, 18 years old, it was Halloween and I shared a Nalgene water bottle full of Mikes hard with three friends. It tasted good and I was in love with one of the friends. Then I didn’t drink again until the summer and that was the first time I was drunk, and the first time I hooked up with a girl. Oh, and all this time I was addicted to my anti anxiety meds and on a dose of Prozac big enough for a 200lb man, I was only about 115lb at the time.

After that I didn’t drink again until I was 20. Then I started drinking too much but in college it is so normalized it is terrifying. You know kids who go to the hospital almost every weekend so you are fine with just a hangover. I became a binge drinker. I am awkward as fuck with people because of my social anxiety. I can’t help it and most of the time I feel like I am going to die when I am talking to people. Or if I don’t feel like I am going to die, I think they hate me and wish I was dead. SO, alcohol shuts off those feelings almost completely (after about 7 drinks they come back with a vengeance, but that wasn’t a problem until recently).

Anyways. Yeah, so also helps me talk to the people who I would like to date. As I am the most passive and shy person you will ever meet regardless of gender or sexuality or stereotypes.

I am such a catch haha, wow.

She hasn’t gotten my letter yet.

Or she hasn’t figured out how to respond.

Either way, I could really use a drink right about now.

Photo: Nevermind. CPH, 2016. (found on phone, along with several other pictures of club ceilings)

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