Nobody Knows.

It is almost 2AM. I am now more than half way through my final undergraduate spring break. I have been working on my thesis, watching movies and listening to audio books (advice, self help audio books can be great but also can be very damaging if they are not taking into consideration things like LGBT people). Not going to lie, thought I would have at least one drunken beach spring break but hey, I might be okay with that not happening, I am probably better for it. (see previous entry ‘its so fake its funny’).

There is also a potential job I could apply for that begins in July. I am holding back though. Not because I am afraid I will be rejected, but because I am afraid that I will actually get it. I could, I could get this job. It is at my old middle school/high school. It is a teacher training program, the thing is 12-18 year old’s are vicious creatures and I was kind of hoping to avoid them at all costs. That being said, they are also at an age where young queers could use a role model or even just someone on their side. But maybe not at the cost of my sanity. There are lots of reasons why this is difficult, anyway…

What this thought process made me realize is that this is now a pattern for me.

I hold back because I know can start something but am afraid I won’t be able to actually do it. I remember hearing something somewhere that adult hood is just tricking people into thinking you know what you are doing (“The Art of Asking” by Amanda Palmer I think). But see I hate the feeling of not knowing what I am doing. It eats away at me like nothing else and is corrosive to my soul. Also why I can’t lie or break laws, because those lead to similar feelings.

I believe this is also why I have never actually had a relationship. I could start one, I have many times been on the path to starting them. But somehow managed to talk myself out of it because I did not know what I was doing and said ‘this person deserves someone who knows what they are doing’ or something of that nature. But what if really nobody knows? What if we can figure it out together? What is the worst that can happen? (advice pt.2: never as a catastrophic thinker that last question, because they will inform you that indeed the whole world could literally end OR EVEN WORSE, the whole world could continue being exactly the way it is).

Maybe I am worth the risk. I know they are. However, still not sure about the whole job thing…

Photo: Pantheon: Rome, Italy 2015.

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