Cold.

This is a very incoherent post, fair warning it is midterms and I am losing my mind.

I am so broken. I am so very, very, broken. My heart aches and pounds in my chest. I feel the weight heavier than before. I love people far too fast and soon. I open my arms wide and embrace those who need it. Then when they are all fixed up, they move right along and leave me behind. Something I noticed today is maybe I actually push them forward.

I encourage them to keep going as I lag behind. My personality shifts in a split second. I make a decision and roll with it. Once I have let them see me quake and break down I turn into a cornered animal looking for a way out.

Walking to class today, or maybe it was yesterday, I was thinking how insane is it that relationships are a thing in this day and age? When everyone is supposed to travel the world and follow their dreams? What are the odds that both people will be able to follow their dreams and stay in a relationship?

Even if she did like me back. What then? She wants to go places I never even dreamed of. Relationships are about compromises I get that, looking at how that is spelled as I write it, promise. Another word I do not take lightly.

The Shel Silverstein poem “What if” is the story of my life. That is me. What if this… What if that… What if I… What if she… I, I just don’t know. I like knowing things.

Midterms are when I am at my worst. There is too much time left to be motivated to complete assignments and I always end up staying up all night before everything is due. A year ago this week my uncle passed away, I didn’t know him well. Now my aunt has cancer but she never liked me much, nor do my cousins. My family loves me but is perplexed by me. I have yet to actually talk with them about how I exist. I am the baby of the family. I am spoiled and am never taken seriously.

There are 64 days left until I graduate and go home to my parents house and my childhood bedroom. I can go home between now and then if I wish but honestly I don’t. When I go back there I see how much I haven’t changed. I see how much I am the same terrified teenager that lived there for so many years.

I would like to see her. But we are both drowning in our academics, well I mean I am, she is probably doing great.

I am genuinely curious and cautious about her. I have fucked things up before they have even begun. But I will write her another letter. I can’t tell how vulnerable I should be with her. I want to be very point blank. I want to put it all out there but we have maybe talked for a total of 8 hours thus far in life. How crazy is that? Only about 8 hours, 4 of which have been over the phone. I guess all I know at this point is I want as many more hours as I can get. To share with her.

But how many times can you say you want to get to know someone before it gets annoying? When do you actually start to know someone? I wish we would have taken a class together, maybe we still can. You learn a lot about someone in a classroom setting.

I need to pull myself together but this world keeps tearing me apart. What do I do?

 

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